Why is it that males develop later than females? Why is it that girls begin to bloom while the boys are still years away from that first pathetic mustache? Evolution is at work here, saving ill-equipped boys from entering the game early and being murdered by bigger, stronger, wiser alpha males. In the glory days of prehistoric man, that would have been me—destroying and cannibalizing all competition, on my way to creating a harem of biblical proportions. But, as both monogamy and law now rule the land, we can all safely become alpha males. And who better to teach you how to become an alpha male than me: Chuck Norris, Charles Barkley, and Paul Bunyan, rolled into one virile package? I sneeze machismo and belch bellicosity. Keep reading, but be forewarned: my words are so potent that even the nambiest of pambies will sprout an ’80s Tom Selleck mustache by the third paragraph.
- Drum sander, when I’m not rushed
- 1 part alligator
- 2 parts great white adrenal gland
- Pinch of burnt stallion hide
Degrees and Licenses
- Bachelor’s in Codpiece Design, BYU
- Master’s in Barehanded Tiger Wrangling, U of M
- PhD in Seduction, honorary degree bestowed upon self
- Vlade Divac
- Mario (plumber, breathes fire, and marries into royalty)
- Martina Navratilova
- 4 to 1 K/D ratio in Call of Duty
- Against-odds survival
- International Stare Fight Crown Champion in 2002, 2007, and 2010.
1. Take up space.
It is your birthright. Think of Michelangelo’s famous “Portrait of a Man.” That’s how you should walk around, even if it means shuffling sideways through doors, or just staying outside. When you sit down, throw your arms out to the side and spread your legs until you think you’re about to suffer a traumatic groin injury. If you knock things over and force others off the sofa, all the better. This will communicate to females that you are the master of the universe—that you are the alpha male.
2. Make and maintain eye contact.
Open your eyes as wide as possible, for as long as possible. When speaking with an attractive woman (and, of course, taking up a lot of space) I tend to give them the old owl eyes, straining my facial muscles to accentuate my alpha confidence. I go without blinking for hours. This kind of masculine bravado can be so unnervingly, magnetically attractive, that most women are forced to walk away, haunted forever. And sometimes I take it to the next level by holding my breath, which turns my eyes crimson (the color of passion) and my skin a ghoulish, vampire-heartthrob grey.
3. Be as loud as possible.
The ladies won’t even be able to hear the competition. I don’t care if you drive a two door, or even a moped. Install an eardrum-melting sound system. And have the muffler removed ASAP. If your vehicle isn’t being rattled into disrepair, you’re not doing it right. When you walk into a room, whip out the cell phone and speak loudly for any ladies with a hearing disability. Say things like “Well, Kevin, three million euros may be a lot for you, but I’ve got cheese in the pantry.” Noise, you see, is a natural part of mating. Male peacock feathers—loud. The mating call of the sperm whale—ocean spanning. Women will look at you, and then they’ll notice how capably you take up space.
4. Act like you don’t care. Ever.
Even if you’re badly injured. Last summer, I was working to attract mates in the local park via a replica samurai sword exhibition. I lost concentration and punctured my abdomen. It hurt. But did I show worry or concern? Blood doesn’t concern an alpha male! People started to gather around, and the police eventually showed up. But do you know what happened? Some of the ladies were clapping as I was hauled away, smitten with my performance.
Even if your grandma’s dead. It was tragic, but did I play the pamby? No. As they lowered her into the ground, I was dancing to some tunes on my iPod. A sweet young miss in a black gown couldn’t help but gawk at my alpha-maleness. And if she weren’t my cousin . . .
5. Obtain reproductively relevant resources.
Money can buy love, and not just in Nevada. Mr. T didn’t wear gold chains to tone his monstrous trapezious muscles. At a subconscious level, he was advertising to reproductively-minded females; “I have the dough to take care of our offspring and so satisfy your evolutionary imperative—that is, I can help you throw your genes into the future.” I’m broke, but I’ve compensated by developing a grand, manly physique. I can’t use my abs as a washboard—they’d just destroy the laundry. All of my shirts are cut-off because they don’t make shirts—or even aquariums—that can house such pythons. Want to know how I did it? Purchase my fitness program, which starts at just $39.99 a month plus tax, shipping, and gratuity.
When Self-help becomes Self Harm
There is a preponderance of books, magazines, websites that want to teach you how to be a desirable man in return for your money. The sad joke is that—even if you haven’t had great role models—being that man is in your DNA. We treat the question “What do women (or men, for that matter) want?” like it’s the holy grail of all mysteries. But is it really so unknowable? Rather than wasting your time and money of some pseudo-experts self-help palaver, bust out your library card for Jane Austin and the Bronte sisters. These women wrote classic novels that were, at their heart, about women choosing men. And what did these women want? Attractive, well-to-do men with honorable personal qualities. Success, health, and personality—it’s not a mystery! Evolutionary biologists have known these things for decades. But if you’d like to buy that ridiculous scent, or waste oodles of money on a dating playbook, well, it’s hard to blame you with all the wonderful, beautiful people out there.
Further Reading for Aspiring Alpha Males
Rugby Songs Volume 2. What does testosterone sound like? Exactly like the Jock Strap Ensemble’s breakthrough sophomore album. There are some tracks on this masterwork that will accelerate the growth of you chest hair to the point where it becomes audible. It’s a raspy, humming female attractant.
Thor: Keep the Dogs Away. Whenever I feel like I’m about to cry—like when I’m watching the end of a tearjerker like Shawshank Redemption or Titanic—I put some Thor on the iPod and take my Dobermans for a brisk walk. If I’m feeling particularly weak, I first apply cocoa butter and remain flexed for the duration.
Music to Eat Pizza By. If you’re a bachelor alpha, you’re going to need to eat a lot of pizza. The act of eating pizza, as well as the resulting manly bouquet emanating from a pizza eater, communicates to females that you are indeed are available and seeking a mate. This album has gotten me through many many lonely nights shoveling in pie.